Watch my World Dissolve

I woke up dazed by my dreams. They spoke to me directly, knowingly bringing subjects about which I had just thought. The dreams didn’t want to let me forget, forgive, they brought memories and feelings I can only loosely describe as scary. What follows is the tale I dreamt of.

In what seemed to be a preparation for a party, a group of people gathered in my apartment. Some where in the kitchen, preparing a cake, woven from wide chocolate stripes, being prepared just like woven baskets are. It was symbolizing a horse and I know there was a rider in the imagery but I get confused and cannot recall exactly where the rider was. A college friend was there, someone whose friend I developed a crush on. As I moved deeper into my apartment, I saw that girl for whom I had a crush, let’s call her A. The one that makes your heart race and your head spin. That kind of girl. She knew how to push my buttons but I moved towards her to end things. I sat with her and another girl nearby, whom I will call J, and wrote a goodbye letter. And a love letter. To her, it was the goodbye letter, to the other girl in the room, it was the love letter. I printed it out and tried to give it to her but J took it from my hands. As I tried to speak, to break up with A, she started to try and tell me of her affection, showing me a hand-sewed bag, adorned with images and mementos in my honor. They spoke of wolfs, birth, motherhood, love and war. It moved me and I don’t even know precisely why, because one should not need a bag with painting decals to make the other know what the hell is going on. As she showed me this, J, who I’ve always liked, stared at me, jealous. She looked very different from what I know she looks like but… it was her. I took the letter out of her hands, worried that that would ruin my relationship with A. I ripped the letter apart, asking J how far had she read it and she only replied “As far as the other name appears.”. I knew she had read the title of the love letter that I wrote for herself. I continued tearing the paper apart, taking it to a trash bin… and all the time, J stared at me. There she was, in the hallways, looking at me. Hiding secrets. Girl A was nowhere to be found after that and I looked at the ripped letter in my hands, it had turned into dough, as in, pizza dough. I looked around trying to understand what was happening but… there was no sense to be made out of it.
The more I think of it, the less I like this dream. It remembers me of funerals, as if I was the one dying. Or were I already dead?

I can’t shake the feeling of this dream away and how awful I feel right now. I feel betrayed, lost in a maze of shadows. I feel… a bit dead. And I have yet to see someone understand that.

Proper Vocabulary

I don’t want to give
Bad words a place to live,
Nor make you find,
A row of words unkind.

Costs less than a shilling
To find in words meaning.
Takes sea-foam and the sky’s blue
To give them any value.

I make mistakes,
Fabricate broken states,
For words can only show affection
When bound to imperfection.
Just like me and you,
Words gotta be true.

To The Judges

Judge me not,
You can’t see,
You forgot.

Blind to the deep hollows,
You see what you want,
Not what really follows.

Madness is granted,
Compassion seems unwanted.
You are not making sense,
Stop being so dense.

A thick skull is worse than a thick heart,
A cool head is a mighty good start.
Judge me not, be a friend,
Or judge me and watch it end.

I’m honest in my replies,
I’ve said no lies.
We can go ahead and squander
Or as friends, we can wander.

But, judge me not lest you’ll be judged yourself,
And you will know what it is to be somebody else.
A different skin, a different point of view,
Let’s just hope, it is not as eschew as your old
judgmental point of view.

Ride of the Valkyries

Look up and he cries
“Death upon you!”
For they were lies
The things you’ve sworn true!

And so they come from the sky
Dark wings make shadows fly
As they pick and choose
Who is to come loose.

Valkyries ride the night,
“-There must be a way out!
-There isn’t. The end is nigh.”

They ride the hills, they ride the valleys,
A fell swoop and down go the galleys.
As the television alone speaks…
Of death the room reeks.
All gone.
And so are you.

The Florist

I always found it funny that girls can’t give boys flowers. People found it funny, that I didn’s see why things were that way. Sure, as a gentleman, I understand the concept of gifts, I like giving them, I like the smiles I see. Still… why would it ever be wrong for a girl to give me flowers? I have no doubt some bitter folks would snicker behind my back, making claims about my manhood and social status. The fact remains that the status quo has not changed, I’m still the same old young man working in the shop. Why is it then, that girls can’t give boys flowers? Because I know a lady who gave me flowers, her name was Cecilia, she had a long hair as dark as the night, her lips were scarlet red, her eyes spoke a different language, they told me it was all ok. Her eyes told me it was ok for men to receive flowers, it was ok to love and be loved.
Even for a guy, like me.

Simplicity

An unspoken character I am
And if I were a lier, I’d tell ya my name is Sam.
But I’m not Joe to do silly games,
So I say, Beau is one of my many names.

So I say, there is no point to waste
Time, time in disgrace.
No waste to time the time we are wasting,
Dear grace, we are disgracing.

To love for a lifetime
Is not enough.
To hate for a dime
Is too tough!

There is no waste to point
Oh dear, crazy myself I appoint,
And even if the rabbit hole caves in
Time never runs thin.

To love for a dime
Is not enough
Wait that is all wrong
The Queen, beheaded my song.
Entangled in cards with games
Croquet birds, flat dames.

Life is free but it ain’t cheap
You can have it if it you can keep
Safe and sound
To the morrow and around.

How to Create the Holocaust

Another night ridden with insomnia, another dream that tells fantastic tales.
It showed me the terror under the roof I lived, with maggots coming through the floorboards on a house that knows no affection, a house nobody wants. A house so consumed by an amoral pest that it had to be shutdown, closed forever, leaving my guardian dog inside, on his own. I cried for him but I still walked away. I heard him bark and snarl. But I just… walked away, waiting for the cars to clear the path on the crossroads so that I could walk away.
(more…)

Sleepy Hollow

Owe me nothing
Just a possibility
The morrow will bring
That which we need.

The key is in the door
For dreams with no gore
Don’t ask if there is a God,
For I am Ichabod.

Pathological Leeches

All that I want is to talk to a real person,
Is that too much to ask?
Why must I feel like I have Hercule’s task
Without any glory in which to bask?

Mouths are still moving and yapping
My patience they are definetly sapping…
Because they really don’t talk
Might aswell leave them for a walk.
All that I want is to talk to a real person.

Heartless Trees

I hope everything goes sour,
A stale taste in your final hour
As you gasp for air
But it is not there.

They may believe but I don’t,
I can’t and I won’t.
Ignorance knows not my name
I’m no dog to be tame.

Blissful smile serenading lies,
Come close so I can sever the ties
Total lockdown is a damnation
I’ll end this relation.

You choose your path
So let me take a breath
Because mine is tough to climb
- I know you don’t mind.

It is so wrong but a scream
It was right but a dream
We end up in different homes
In the end, trees without pomes.

Gloom

I remember when I was young, I’d enjoy the nights doing my geeky activities, reading books until my eyes couldn’t stay open… and, as much as I don’t miss those times I find myself currently stuck in a rather terrifying situation. The nights I once loved for the silence and peace now come back to haunt me… they remind me of how alone I am, of how far everyone is, of how much I miss being hugged or having someone care for me. They truly make me realize that I’m all by myself and… I am afraid. Afraid of knowing that I can have a great future, afraid of not accomplishing it, afraid of so much, having so little.
Gosh… I miss human contact… I’m stuck in this block of concrete, within 4 walls that know all my secrets, my bed is a mess, my mind is clear. I know what is wrong and yet, I go and just write a song.
On the other hand, I don’t want to sleep. My dreams have been… beautiful, as of late, and as much as it shouldn’t, it is scary that I wake up and want to go back to the dream, live it instead of the reality that surrounds me. Is my life that dull? Is the lack of female companionship that great? Is the lack of laughs so overwhelming? Is the loneliness so terrible? Yes, it is.
I try a Placebo, but that is no cure…and The Cure is not working. The girl? The girl was never there. And I’m lost in a forest.

Lie To Me

I miss that which I never had,
A warm body on my bed,
Memories that I do not own,
Lies that just grow.

Remember me as I remember you
When it all seemed so true
When we made love in the grass
When the dream wasn’t glass.

Broken and shattered,
The pieces, scattered…
And your silhouette I forget
The alarmclock was set.
And I wake up for another day,
And I head a different way.