Some Truths

Some truths are just lies waiting to be told, wishing for us to let go of our honesty and for once, lie, lie with a straight face and a clean conscious. This was one of those truths, that knew that everything would go wrong as soon as it poised itself to come out from my mouth. Because humans will be humans, and until I can find a girl that is courageous, I’ll have to live with these omissive truths.
The more I live, the more I think that being upfront and honest is a surefire solution to being a loner, there doesn’t seem to be others like me, making me feel like an upside down tortoise. You see, it is quite simple really, there was this girl from college, whom was simply amazing. I mean, she was fun, cute, sexy, smart… I knew I loved her in the very moment that I wanted to keep chatting with her, listening to her voice… wishing that the sun would just take a wee bit longer before setting so that we could be together for just a wee bit longer. What is the use of hugs and kisses if time goes by so fast?
As I realised that hours had reduced themselves into seconds and that she was my first and last thought of everyday, I knew it, I had been bitten by the bittersweet bug of love. It is funny how thing works though, as this knowledge only gave more and more fears. “Will I lose her?”. That thought was in my mind every single day and let me confess that, it scared the hell out of me. You know what is even more ridiculous about truths that want to be lies? Is that they know, with total certainty, that things will go wrong if they are honest. I knew that she didn’t love me and yet… I went right ahead and told her, flat out how I felt.
To add insult to injury, as if my own knownledge and her own scared expression wasn’t enough, I had to heard from friends that, well, “You said it too soon”. And, as if that wasn’t enough, as soon as we took separated ways, one of them even had the nerve to say “Oh well, at least you made out with her, right?”. What in the holy tv dish name does that have to do anything? That is like saying “Oh well, at least you had a chance to play with your dog before he got run over by a propane gas truck which exploded moments after spreading pieces of your dog everywhere”. Ok, maybe I am being a bit drastic, but I just can’t get over the fact of how stupid some people sound in my head.
The question never was about chasing a pretty girl, the question, or rather, quest, was to find a girl in whom I had a lover, a friend and a compannion – I’ll just call that the holy trinity. I’m not talking about a perfect match, because I truly do not believe in perfection (I’m a deeply flawed subject myself), I’m talking about a compatible match, you know, someone to spend the rainy afternoons watching a movie at home, eating popcorn and laughing at commercials.
She didn’t make the separation any easier. She would call me by nicknames from when we were together, get jealous and, and I mean this in the absolute most concret way, tell me that I was “the perfect guy at the wrong moment”. How can the moment be wrong if I was the right guy? Her replies made little sense to me and seemed, many times, as simple escapism. But really, it would be rather arrogant of me to say so with certainty – so I’ll just assume that that is the reality, that seems to be ok with most people nowadays.
As any decent hopeless romantic would do, I fell into a chasm in life, confused and dazed, stuck listening to depressing (un)love songs, the echoes of thousands of broken hearts. And I did feel like many musics sang… At times I felt like my heart was a pit and that, slowly but surely, my love was drowning – but I was the one that felt like drowning. But the water level was just too low and I kept waiting for the undertow. Maybe out of rage I’d say that love can come and go. But no matter what… the one song that I could always agree was that which said… that one, one is the loneliest number – and that two can be as bad as one.
The more I look back the more I see the flaws of the sinking ship that was that relationship. I mean, really, I did want it to work out and I’ll be damned not to admit that I still love that girl, despite knowing that we wouldn’t and thus, shouldn’t, have a good relationship. The biggest issue was in the, what I’ll aptly name, love-scale. I loved her, she didn’t love me back, oldest story in the world. But the problem was there before I loved her. You see, it is tough to not suffer or feel that something is wrong when the like-scale is as off in focus as our seemed to be.  While I would openly seek her company, she would at times seem to be avoiding me.
I can’t help but be amazed at the irony of relationships. I always thought myself to be a smart guy with a decent look (albeit my depressive nature seems to cast me below the truth) and now, I feel like it must be the opposite. This is not the first time that a girl is interested in me, but not for commitment. I’m starting to feel like a piece of meat. Heh, you know what is funnier? I can already imagine the guys complaining and shouting “What are you crying about? So what if women don’t want long-term stuff? Are you crazy or something?”. You see, dear reader, despite what the hipotetical bafoons from the last quote might say, we, humans, are not all equal. We do not want nor dream about the same things and while there are some so-called universal truths, I’m wary of them. I mean, really, I don’t enjoy pain yet there are masochists, so I’m guessing that people really want different things.
Maybe I am one of those homely husbands-to-be, the kind of guy who is focused on raising a good family, with a strong core of values in the madness that seems to rampart in this crazy, crazy little corner of the universe. Maybe I’m seeking the darned holy trinity, chasing after a dream of finding eyes that meet mine.
But I guess that I’ll never be able to know that now, since I’m lying dead on this grassy hill. Buried 7-feet under, just an inch above my dreams, just an inch below my nightmares.